It's amazing how much weight can be lifted when the absolute most difficult thing to say, actually leaves your lips. The toughest truth. Your deepest fear and vulnerability. The thing that makes you feel ashamed and embarrassed. The thing that you hate to feel, that you judge yourself for feeling. The thing that you hope will just go away if you ignore it enough, but somehow gets stronger and louder the longer you ignore it. This silent struggle.
After working with my powerful, goddess coach and equally as powerful colleague over the course of several months, as much as I was developing and growing immensely as a coach in my own practice and in my personal life, somehow feelings of inadequacy had begun to develop (perhaps surface). I had to acknowledge this silent struggle. Within the container of our safe, secure space of deep trust, love, honesty, and integrity, I acknowledged those true feelings. It was my truth at that current moment that I felt not good enough as a coach compared to them and that harbored fear and uncertainty.
This took a shit load of courage to say. But I knew somehow deep in my core that it had to be released. I am a truth seeker and healing junky and I knew I needed to heal from those negative, self-depleting and limiting thoughts. And as much as they were my truth at the moment, I knew again deep to my core that those thoughts were not my ultimate truth.
It is not easy to expose your deepest vulnerabilities and fears- let alone write about it! In fact, it is and will be the toughest thing ever that we will do in this human experience. I knew, however, that these thoughts left untouched, left to the devices of the mind would continue to stir, linger, marinate, grow, intensify and shift shape; and thus taint every experience in every other area of my life, as I looked on the world through lenses of feeling "not good enough," for as long as I chose to ignore it.
Once I said the words and released them from that mental whirlpool, and put them into physical space of verbalization- with complete trust that I was in a space to speak my truth- they instantaneously dissipated in weight. The intensity and truth these thoughts held in my mind were now a fraction in size, virtually non-existent anymore. The belief of the power those thoughts held was immediately deflated.
When you release negativity in this way, space is created where it had not existed before and had been consumed with negative energy. The space that I created in releasing those self-depleting thoughts had the opportunity to then be filled with my real truths. I gave them permission to exist without judgements and resistance of their presence, and I evaluated their validity. Through this process, the weight was released. That's power. That's clarity. That is deeply honoring your truth, in all it's difficulty to do so. It's raw. It's real. It's shattering. It's not easy. But it's powerful.
As a coach it is in my highest capacity of service to meet each client exactly where they are, loving them and accepting them for exactly who they are, where they are; fully perfect, whole and complete just as they are. Yet, there I was not giving myself the same gift I give to my clients. The universe will always present us limitless opportunity to practice self-awareness and apply concepts of healing, so as long as we choose to accept. And here the universe was again, tapping me on the shoulder, as I sat there on a coaching call with my coach and colleague, asking me to show up. And I chose to accept. I showed up for who I was truly being in that moment. I showed up and chose to acknowledge the silent struggle and uncomfortable truth. I chose to be courageous, honest, accepting, and own my shit. And I chose to not only trust it, I chose to illuminate it- in deliberate search of healing. And wow was it healing! I released the weight and I created space and exposed the real truth which was at the root the entire time. That I am perfect whole and complete just as I am right now. I am enough.
Thank you Sara and Kelly, from the deepest depths of my soul. The work we do together is tremendous and life changing! I'm eternally grateful. I love this journey.
