It's More Than Just a Feeling

I want to talk LOVE

Not because of Valentine's Day. That's cheesy.

It's because I’ve been reading this INCREDIBLE piece of work, ‘All About Love: New Visions,’ by renowned scholar, Bell Hooks, and it's blowing my mind!

For two reasons this book is having a massive impact on me...

ONE, growing up hearing "I love you," yet seeing violence and feeling pain, my siblings and I had a very poor parental model of learning not only HOW to love, but how to BE loved, and furthermore how to be WORTHY of love. Fast forward years later, I'd found myself searching for some sort of framework from which to relearn a healthy ideal of love, with deliberate intention of self-healing and thus improving and creating healthy partnership in my life.

TWO, having recently been single for 2 years, I've been both witness to and participant in this current dating culture... One word: Awful.

Alright, alright, it wasn't so bad. Definitely had it's high points, fun at times; but on the whole pretty miserable.

What I learned during that unimpressive, hopeless endeavor was that, dating sucks. And, as a society, we are seriously plagued with lovelessness with severe dysfunction in partnership. Clearly representative of this fact is the current divorce rate hovering just above 50%. What is going on??

Here’s the bottom line.

People want to find their soulmate. They want to “find” love. We want to be in loving partnership, and “find” happiness. And this goes far beyond intimate partnership. This extends into friendship, relationship with family, and as far as relationship in work. I’m sure we can all agree that at our core, we want to be happy, loved, and accepted.

So why then, if at our foundational core is an innate desire and basic human need to love and be loved, is it so hard to “find” love?? And furthermore, have healthy partnership?

How are we getting in our own way when it comes to cultivating a truly loving, meaningful intimate relationship?

Here’s what I’ve boiled it down to. For one, as a whole we are severely lacking self-love and self-worth. Because our definition of love is skewed, we don’t know how to receive/accept love, nor properly give it. And not just to another person, but TO OURSELVES. You can not pour from an empty cup. If you can not love yourself, you will not be able to truly love another. Stick with me on this...

This lack of self-love, which usually begins brewing somewhere during childhood, ultimately leads to feelings of unworthiness. Due to this lack of self-worth, we look to other people and external circumstance to FIX US. To make us feel loved again and worthy of love. We seek acceptance externally, rather than internally. When this happens, we get into a relationship feeling less-than, unworthy of love, and unconsciously seek to our partners to fill our void and make us feel whole again. Since this partner never agreed to this unspoken arrangement, they consequently fall short on fulfilling our unrealistic expectations. And thus the relationship fails.

We need to get back to basics…

In his book, ‘The Road Less Traveled,’ and inspired by the work of Erich Fromm, psychiatrist M. Scott Peck describes love as more than just a feeling. It is a verb.

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Love is a choice. “…the WILL to extend one’s self…” It is an intention and an action. It is a conscious decision to extend ourselves for our highest growth and for our partner’s highest growth. We choose to love.

This puts things into a different perspective. Our current societal condition is one in which we look upon love as something that just “happens” to us beyond our control, a feeling we can’t control, within the frame of sex, lust, and romance; rather than taking deliberate action, intention, and responsibility TO love...

Let’s take this one step further. If love is the will to NURTURE one’s own or another’s spiritual growth, then there is NO way love can exist within the context of violence, abuse, neglect, pain, suffering, torture, and condescendence. Just by simple definition, all are exact opposites of nurturing.

Yet, so often this occurs- and right within our own lives. How common is it to hear things such as:

It’s a love/hate relationship
Love hurts
Love is blind

These are based on a misunderstood interpretation of love.

Within the context of our enlightened definition, love and hate can not coexist.

Love and abuse can not coexist. By definition they are opposites. And love, itself, does not hurt. Love is healing and sacred. It’s the emotion that manifests once “love” dissolves from a relationship, and the foundational ingredients that enable love are no longer apparent.

Lastly, love can not be blind. In order for love to thrive, communication must be at the core. By which trust and honesty must be present.

So, if love is a verb, and it is something we CHOOSE to do, how exactly do we do this love thing?

Our ingredients, according to Hooks, to truly cultivate love include care, affection, attention, respect, responsibility, recognition, integrity, commitment, trust, honest and open communication. (I added a few in there)

Pretty potent shit, right? I wasn’t exaggerating when I said this chick, Hooks, is blowing my mind.

Full disclosure: this is ALL new to me.

Thanks to my Life/Soul Goddess Coach of about 8 months and the implementation of the work we've done together- and of course my own work- never in my life have I ever showed up in a relationship the way I am currently. I have never taken such responsibility and daily conscious effort to instill these ingredients into a relationship the way I am to date. And not only am I consciously working on this every single day with my man, I am consciously working on this every single day with MYSELF!

Is it easy? Hell No. But I am growing and learning so much about myself and through the process building something so extraordinary. 

I challenge you.

Given this illuminated definition of love, within the context of ownership and responsibility, rather than just a feeling that falls upon us at some random happening when we least expect it, I ask you:

How do you show up in partnership? Do you embody these core characteristics? Beyond expecting these from a partner, do you also contribute in the same?

Furthermore, and more importantly...

How are you showing up in your relationship to YOURSELF?? Do you give yourself these gifts on a daily basis? In what ways will instilling these essentials to your thoughts, your body, and your life improve the most important relationship in your life?

Please share. I love connecting and I'd love to hear from you!

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